Parenting to Bring Out Your Children’s Best
“I don’t have any homework,” says my freshman-in-high-school son.
Perhaps you’ve heard that too.
And then his next test comes back with a “B”, maybe even “C”, when an “A” was within the realm of possibility had he studied.
Apart from an “F” in geometry one quarter of my freshman year when I was trying to shuck off my good girl persona, I pretty much did what my parents expected of me. Â So much so, to badly paraphrase Tolstoy, I wasn’t always sure where their dreams left off and mine began.
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I’m working very hard not to co-opt my children’s dreams, but after yet another “B” or “C”, pick your letter, our relationship may be intact, but what of his dream to go to a good college?
Enter the parental predicament.
What we say and do can summon the best in our children, and they need us to provide sunshine and sweetness in their lives. But, there’s a hard truth — emerging rain is also required. (Which, let it be noted, I take for granted, because try as I might to quit piano my parents wouldn’t let me, for example). Without the rain, our children may plant plenty of dreams, but lack the ability to harvest.
Yes, we are the gatekeepers of our children’s dreams. But it’s not enough to allow them to open the gate; they need to know how to walk through.
Where are you on this continuum with your children?Â
“…They need to know how to walk through”. My children are younger than yours – 9,7,5 – but I am working through some similar behavior with them, especially my oldest. She is a gifted child but struggles with organization and can be lazy with her work. I’m trying to teach her to have pride in her work, that being smart isn’t enough, and how to organize her stuff as well as her ideas. As my dad used to say, she’ll “thank me later”.
Hi Whitney. Thanks for sharing!
My daughter is 13. She always says, “There is no point in rebelling against a mother like you.” I think she means that I have made her responsible for her dreams and for her life. That does not mean that I do not guide her and support her. It means I accept her completely (sunshine) and I have made her responsible for doing life the hard way (lots of rain) or doing it the easy way. The hard way is without me there to guide her. She can choose to make her decisions without my counsel and/or to act in ways that will destroy the things she loves. Of course, if her life were in danger, I would intervene. At the same time, I have been willing to let her fail since she was very young. It started with her refusal to sit down and practice her reading in the first grade. I was prepared to let her do the first grade over if she refused to learn to read and I told her so. Then I said nothing else. Eventually, she came to me book in hand!
This approach makes our relationship easy for me and productive for her. I had a similar experience with a client the other day. I felt myself working too hard on his issue. I said, that is enough. We can talk about anything but X because you are really wedded to continuing Y. He shifted the moment I gave him back his power and the responsibility for making use of our time together.
As to my daughter, I am proud of what she is making of her life. I am even prouder of the fact that at 13 she still wants to talk to me and to her father all the time about everything…boys and first kisses and best friend troubles and horses and the things she loves about our family and the things she hates. Her proudest moments this year: Induction into the National Junior Honor Society and making Symphonic Band.
It isn’t that our relationship or our family life have always been great! There were some horrible times that affected our family pretty badly. I think my success with her at this moment in time is due to three things: Making her responsible for her life, accepting her completely, and being responsible and accountable to speak the truth to her even when the truth is, “I blew it!” Well, there is one more thing. I needed to remember this thing today – Taking responsibility for the quality of my own life and the fulfillment of my purpose!
One more thing comes to mind. If I am going to effectively support her, I have to be sure I know what her dreams are and what she believes she needs in order to succeed.
Thanks for offering me an opportunity to think about what is working in our family.
The best our children require is not limited to material or affection to move on with their lives.Constant monitoring(overt/covert)through counselling and mentoring helps alot.We monitor the company they keep and advise them periodically and approprately. Schools rely and cherish parental support in behaviour moulding and academic performance of the children.
Jennifer –
On the topic of our daughters, there’s a great piece by Heidi Grant Halvorson titled “The Trouble with Bright Girls“. I highly recommend it — and thank you for sharing your story with us.
Mr. Mohammed —
You brought up something I think that is quite important — our schools cherish parental support with our children. Yes, that is so true. I often hear of parents who view the teacher as an adversary rather than a partner. I am so GRATEFUL for the teachers that teach my children.
Many thanks for weighing in.
Rebecka –
I love that quote, “There is no point in rebelling against a mother like you.” Classic. And thanks for your great suggestions. I can only imagine how much steel that took to say to her “you would let her do 1st grade over.”
Many thanks for sharing your ideas and time with us.
I don’t have children, but my profession involves working with children and parents on a daily basis; hopefully, my comments are welcome despite my lack of parenting experience!
How do we support our children with the big things without being controlling and/or driving our personal agendas? Firstly, I recommend exposing them to people who have reached their dreams and help them engage conversations with those people. This approach allows that little burgeoning adult of yours to feel in charge rather than pushed. They can learn about the effort and focus involved to succeed in any pursuit from these individuals. Typically, children past the age of 12 just simply cannot hear “it” (e.g., advice, guidance, rules, etc.) from their parents. Even support can feel like a criticism. This response has partly to do with the essential individuation process, which they must go through in order to “walk through the door” on their own. Secondly, and this suggestion is an iteration of the first, situate them in the environments of successful individuals. For example, I had a friend who found taking her freshman son on college visits extremely helpful. Most parents wait until junior year. Exposing her son early to the awesomeness of a great college was extremely motivating for him.
Parenting to Bring Out Your Children’s Best | honestly, now - June 11, 2012
[...] This is a guest post by Whitney Johnson, business leader and master storyteller. She shows how remarkable things happen when we dare to claim our strengths, own our dreams, and do what we’re meant to do. A fabulous guide for business and for life.. This was originally posted on the her blog. [...]
Janna — thank you for your insight, and certainly timely for me having a son that is just finishing his freshman year in high school.
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