“How did mock trial practice go?” I asked my son, a freshman in high school. It was about 9 pm, and we'd just picked him up from school.
“Bad. I didn't make the team.”
“What?”
“I got cut. Yeah, AND they let me sit through two hours of practice without telling me.
***
Argh.
I have to admit that my husband and I were a bit surprised. But, I am, after all, the mother. I recognize that the tryout may not have gone as well as David thought. Not making a team happens. He may have even gotten an e-mail telling him he hadn't made the team.
But because of how the parents in charge of the mock trial program handled this, he's not so sure he'll try out next year. That's a shame, because he's quite articulate, and mock trial is something he thinks he could do well.
David will no doubt be fine.
But here's what I need to remember.
As adults and as parents, we wield tremendous power over the children in our lives. Just a few words of encouragement may mean the difference between a dream dashed or a leap forward.
I'm occasionally guilty of the former, but I long to always do the latter.
What about you?
Can you remember when just a few encouraging words from a parent or adult made all the difference?
The title of this caught my eye immediately; in leadership, in times of systemic change, in dialogue and innovation and also parenting it is so critical for us to learn how to use our rank and power well. Juicy stuff!
Whitney, admittedly I recently realized that I STILL care about what my mother thinks about me and her words/opinions are among those I respect most. She’s very supportive (thankfully) but I still find myself wondering and asking, “Are you proud of me?”
Being a parent requires so much responsibility. How wonderful a gift!
Great post, Whitney. It brings to mind quite a lot.
What we say to children, and how we say it, can indeed impact what they will or won’t do, going forward.
As parents, we can focus on our children and craft our words to fit each scenario. But that’s for us to do – we obviously can’t expect it to happen on the outside terribly often. Other adults are oddly drawn to what they perceive as natural talent. Spots on teams, parts in plays, etc., so often go to the kids who are perceived as easiest to teach (because it translates into less work for the adults). And then there are the other factors that often go into choosing (I’m pretty sure you know the ones I mean).
My point is that kids need to be aware of these realities. So often they’ll try for things – as your son did – where there’s no encouragement coming their way, so it has to come from within. Self-encouragement is a learned skill, as is feeling good about yourself and your work when no one around seems to care.
The world is full of people who didn’t make it the first time, or the second, and on and on, but they eventually did because they kept showing up. And, so often, because someone along the way who mattered to them said something – words that continue to resonate, sometimes years after the fact. It’s a beautiful phenomenon we can all be a part of.
I hope to see a post this time next year about David’s next try.
🙂
You are so right Whitney.
One comment form a parent can stick with us for life.
I faced the challenge of having ADD which my parents did not understand. For my lapses is concentration or attention I was labeled as “careless” Still today when I make a similar “mistakes” I beat myself up with that label. It takes the discipline of self-awareness and self compassion to step back from my self-judgment.
it also takes a dose of humor and my wife’s patience to not take this matter too seriously like when I return from the market with missing and wrong items
Cedric
Whitney, this is so true in business as well. I’ve had one participant in my presentation class tell me, “My first boss told me I could not speak well in meetings and that’s when I stopped talking.” How sad for her as this comment stayed with her for ten years! This overarching generalization she read as the truth about herself–not then but for the future. Better he could have said, “In a meeting how about stating your views in 4 short sentences. I believe people will listen more attentively.” We all need to hear what we could do to be better and succeed.
Amanda — Yes, it is juicy stuff indeed. Thanks for showing up!
Tamara — It is SUCH a huge responsibility to be a parent. And an honor. Also before I forget — thanks for the links to the articles about mentoring!
Susan —
You’ve really captured what happens what occasionally happens with teachers: the kids get chosen who are easiest to coach (something to consider with the mentoring equation). And yes, I appreciate your encouraging me to encourage David to tryout again next year.
Cedric –
Thanks for sharing your personal story. I’ve enjoyed your HBR comments. Nice to know you a little better.
Claudyne — Love how you “languaged” this. It is amazing how a well-chosen words can be helping hand or a hand grenade.
Love the comments. Keep-em coming.
Whitney, you know my mantra: the greatest gift we can give each other is encouragement. I think that goes double for people in positions of strength and influence. Thanks for sharing this thoughtful experience. Send good vibes David’s way…
Hi Whitney,
I’ll tell you about a time when encouraging words from a fellow adult made all the difference.
I’m applying. And not just to “safe” schools that I have a low risk of getting rejected at–I’m letting myself reach for the stars, and I ain’t turning back. 😉
Thank you!!